Read On: Breaking down the media conspiracy
Every word of what you’re about to read is as true as anything Donald Trump has proclaimed lately. And it’s tremendous. Believe me.
As a member of the evil media, I’m here to tell you that the election is rigged, just like Trump is claiming. How do I know? Well, I’m one of the main ones helping to carry out the rigging, of course.
See, what happened was …
(Wait. Sorry. Some guys with prying eyes just walked by and I had to cover my screen till they were out of sight. Whew. Close one. You can’t be too careful these days. I’m already getting the feeling Trump’s people may be onto us.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So me and my fellow journalist rigger types have met every Thursday evening for the past seven months in the underground bunker of a nondescript office building in Glendale to plot our diabolical scheme. I could tell you exactly where it is, but then naturally I’d have to kill you.
We determined in one of our first meetings how best to cloak our true intentions. This is why we call ourselves the Rig the Election So Trump Will Lose Society. Too obvious?
Here is the brilliant 10-point system we devised to take Trump down:
Every time Trump says something insane like “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall” or “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” we publicize it. It’s horribly unfair, I know. But that’s the pact we made.
When Trump utters something that we believe conflicts with the public record, we point it out. I’m not proud of the shameful prejudice this demonstrates, but so be it.
We use genuine facts rather than fabricated fantasy to showcase things like polling data, financials and historical evidence. It’s often inconvenient and not nearly as much fun as shrouding in myth, but it makes rigging practically a snap for we smarmy press lowlifes.
My associates and I have discovered that our practices of deck-stacking, favoritism and manipulation tend to work best when the individual we’re working to take down has a history of alleged serial groping, touching and possibly even assault on women. When this occurs, the rigging practically takes care of itself.
We set out to turn at least one entire gender against Trump. When we examined the evidence near the beginning of the year, we determined that females were our best bet, given the candidate’s routine denigration and everyday misogyny. It proved to be one of our most transparently malevolent bias methods.
Whenever Trump said something that degraded an entire race, religion or ethnic group such as Latinos or Muslims, my comrades and I convinced our media colleagues to launch blanket coverage of the xenophobic examples. To be honest, the guy hasn’t even needed us. The rigging has grown increasingly self-generated.
One of our major strokes of rigging genius, I have to say, has been Trump’s refusal to release his tax returns. A man running for president on his purported business savvy who wouldn’t hand over the evidence gave our rigging efforts a significant boost.
The gang and I brought in a few mentalists to one of our Thursday meetings. They put their heads together (literally) and determined that the most effective way to alter the direction of the race was to mentally goad Trump into constantly posting crazy tweets that demonstrate his instability. Those guys are so good that it’s still working.
On the other side of the ledger, we did everything in our media power to swing the race in Hillary Clinton’s favor. We were determined to play up how comparatively well-spoken and steeped in the issues Mrs. Clinton was. Rig, baby, rig
But here’s my favorite part: We made sure we covered up our evil rigging intentions so well that once Trump started screaming about it, no one would believe him. In fact, we’ve sold this so beautifully that now, by his inferring he may not accept the election result, he’s seen as practically treasonous.
For we media villains who have taken it upon ourselves to rig as if our very lives depended on it, this is indeed the best of times. In fact, it’s huge.
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RAY RICHMOND has covered Hollywood and the entertainment business since 1984. He can be reached via email at ray@rayrichco.com and Twitter at @MeGoodWriter.